Not even going to try

 

 

In the past 3, 3.5 hours I’ve run through quite the gamut of emotions. In fact, over the course of the entire day I’ve run through almost the entire gamut of emotions. I’m not going to get into it tonight. Just know that if I would have written this post 2 hours ago I would have surprised some of you. Those of you who don’t know/haven’t seen my ‘dark side’, which basically means my blindly angry side. Blindly also translates into stupidly. I would have sunk so low as to use vocabulary not even fit for a sailor. Ok, it wouldn’t have been that bad, but it’s not stuff I use every day. I know I come across as sweet and innocent on here (ok, I guess in the grand scheme of things I am pretty innocent), but that’s not all there is to me.

Now I just feel like an idiot. A complete imbecile. I know some of you are going to protest this remark, and you might even write a comment doing so. But until I explain why, you need to know that I’m right. I was stupid. I was like the scarecrow from Oz without a brain. Tonight I was functioning only with the part of the brain that controls body movement and idiocy. Common sense was nowhere to be seen. And maturity? Calm, control? They decided to take a vacation.

Don’t worry, this wasn’t aimed at the kids, not at all (except for telling Bastien to stop making noise in the car). I know you’re all going to wonder what the heck I’m talking about and I’m not leaving a ‘cliff hanger’ on purpose. I just can’t really compile my thoughts well enough to explain tonight and I want everyone to know how stupid I actually was. Despite the fact that I’m a brunette I’ve in fact been the butt of a few blonde jokes between family members. Tonight I deserved all of those and more.

I’ve already said more than I planned and I fear I’m not making sense. It’s like I’m on autopilot and I can’t even think straight. I’m not going to lie to all of you so I’m not afraid to say that I hate myself right now. Logically I know that’s harsh, especially for what happened. It’s my reaction to the chain of events that makes me feel this way. Something goes wrong and all I can think of to do is scream and want to break things. I think I have a lot of deep-seated rage issues. I’m like a 3-year-old only I seem to be able to hide that most of the time.

                                                                                                                    

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7 Comments

  1. Okay, what you did doesn’t matter. I’ve been in situations where I regretted my actions and what I said and I beat myself up for it. It feels terrible. I felt stupid. I felt as if my idea of self-worth was a fallacy. I was wrong. I remembered that I’m not perfect. We all have our dark sides even the sweetest among us.

    Reply
    • It really doesn’t. It really was NOT a big deal! At the time it seemed like the worst thing ever, but now…Well now I feel silly for overreacting. I know very well I’m not perfect. I never will be and I don’t want to try to be.

      Reply
  2. The T

     /  October 10, 2011

    Oh I’ve got PLENTY to say… first and foremost… you are loved… we are all filled with rage and we let our insecurities/weird elements guide us in making bad decisions sometime… you’re not losing your mind…you’re being human… you’re simply being more truthful than most people are willing to be….look at me….i’m a child…and I let my darkside guide nearly everything i do…am i still a good man? Yes… am i loving and am i worthy of being loved? Yeah… even though I had to separate a few of my character flaws into buckets to keep the stronger portions of my personality at peace, I find that at the end of the day, i must breathe and move past this day just so I can tackle the unknown tomorrow… embrace all of you…in fact, i’m going to make certain you know that you are not alone… tomorrow’s post is all about the darkside of me… you do not deserve to be alone in accepting that you have a darside and that you play there once in a while…

    It’s all you…just like my sectioned personalities are all me… I’m not asking for help, I embrace them…they are my companions and have said me when shoosing to walk with them…

    T.

    Reply
    • Thanks T. I knew some of you wouldn’t listen :P. Now I will address what happened and why I feel silly now that I acted so rashly in posting yesterday, lol.

      Reply
  3. Okay. You vented. Now tell us why. It’ll help. I promise.

    Reply
    • Yes. I now feel even sillier than yesterday. Well, now it’s silly as opposed to stupid. I was rash in my posting yesterday, lol.

      Reply
  1. Accepting the dark side of your personality… « Morning Wood

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